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Two of them in heart & soul : the denial diaries
Posted by fadingsylver on November 18, 2008 6:50 pmI have managed to avoid talking to the most perfect guy for me for a while. Mostly by accident, because I know if I saw him I wouldn't be able to resist. I am just someone for him to talk to when he is bored. The forgettable one.
What is really bothering me right now, is that I desperately love him... I know it. And even after a year it hasn't died down. I just want so badly to be near him but just thinking of him hurts so badly. Even now. I don't know why. I want to cry, and I haven't done that in almost two months. :(
I am somewhat involved with someone else at the moment... at least we are in the pre-courting/courting stages. It is someone I adore a great deal, but it doesn't have the same... desperate need behind it. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't tell him that I feel that way about another man, but then he starts talking about his recent ex... (VERY recent ex) and I just drop it. Partly because he has enough stress, partly because I don't want to talk about it, but probably mostly because I hope it will just go away. I do believe I love him, and very much so.
It just hurts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. Either it is dismissed as unimportant, ignored, or belittled. I felt so sad today. I had both of them talking to me, neither knowing about the other, one treating me just as a buddy, and one treating me as more.
There is something funny to this all... they both took off because they had a problem with my age. Yeah, I am much younger than both of them. Them? Five year difference. I have a feeling they might feel a little put out when they realize the didn't "save me" from being with an older man. Another funny... both from Germany. One more for the road... the both are very similar "types". In just about everything.
Tags: avoid,not sure,two men,hurt 
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yeah a dream in heart & soul : the dream diaries
Posted by Xscene_laura on October 27, 2008 9:45 amI cant remeber if its like a dream or it happened. I wrote a poem about it:
the one thing I need to know:
The fast illusions struck my soul like a fairytale. The reality of the situation getting lighter and lighter until there was no more insanity. My false hair awaits me somewhere in the distance. I'm getting really excited for synthetic.
With all bets being placed upon the wrath of greed.
I take my bow and exit center stage through the audience.
Their fear I can inhale but cannot smell.
The sole indiscretion was that I did not leave the hell.
I'm sorry but I'm not.
I will not be put off to the backs' of your minds' while you
fiddle with yourselves as you find the right words.
Your vain attempts to stop me. I'm so sick it's been cured.
While longing the cold metal on my hands as I open the door,
I cough with my mouth wide open.
I say, "hells yes" as I feel a tear fall down my left cheek
and finally get to the handle and continue out as I hear the familiar creak.
My left cheek feels the wind different from the moisture
I take one step off the stairs and hit the bottom perfect.
The short leap was known to me in my heart
as my only attempt that day to show I've been torn apart.
With my very own eyes I see
something very new in front of the road.
The sidewalk hits my shoes as I'm almost to the curb.
Stop abruptly still staring at what you had the nerve
to write in your own blood I'm assuming.
My name next to a broken heart.
YOUR name next to my broken heart.
with the words "I can't say how much I need a fresh start."
Along side the item you took away from me last October.
the fabric it's soft secret feel I remember.
You told me you'd give it to him for me
and then you continued to act like you were needing to be set free.
Then i realized the memory thought of you then heard you smile.
From feet away you looked at me before I could get enough adrenaline to fake my smile.
You took away my concentration looked me in the eye.
You told me what you are afraid of.
I looked back down to the ground.
Saw something else until I felt your shove.
You pushed me down. I fell fast and hard.
The cement on my bleeding hands.
Your voice in my head.
The voice I can't stand.
Bleeding but not believing you accidentaly hurt me again.
You call your friend say, "hey I need a ride man."
I'm still pained on my palms.
I'm still numb from it all.
Didn't you know this wasn't what i needed?
You sat next to me said, "I love you" then continued
to talk about how much you know I hate you.
and how I can't stand up for myself around you.
Your blue eyes darted from me to the curb
to my blooded palms when you started to get up
from the curb.
Got into the car.
Didn't look back.
I get up. Go back inside
and just like that.
It happened again.
You faked your win.
I'm loosing my cool.
I feel like I'm back in school.
The people on stage have left for the next scene.
I walk up to the front of the seating.
Glue my foot to the floor
as my cellphone rings. Thank god I didn't remember to take it out before.
I answer. It's you.
You say something about how your friend sucks and you need to talk to me more.
I didn't know what to do. I hung up.
You called once more.
Caller id, a name I didn't recognize anymore.
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A work in progress. in heart & soul : the discovery diaries
Posted by weepingwillow on October 9, 2008 5:28 pmIt's time to find myself again.....one more time in this lifetime. This reinvention has been triggered by loss....the loss of dear one who still walks this earth but not beside me.
If I relive each experience sequential will that help me put the memories away? Random thoughs cause so much pain that tears well up in my eyes. This chapter of my life....an entire decade must be laid to rest and a new chapter written.
Placing blame for what has happened isn't healthy. Both our fault really. Needs needed to be met....loneliness needed to be eradicated. Aliveness....that is what felt so good. These days I don't feel very alive or vibrant or energized. I feel that a part of me has faded away without any explanation.
What has happened is inexcuseable so don't try making excuses if that time ever comes again.
I find myself clutching my phone - fingers tense.....as if holding it tight will make it ring. But it hasn't rung - its been 4 months, 120 days, a quarter of a year.
I saw you in your car last week or was it the week before? This means you are alive - checking the obituaries every day was becoming obsessive. There's no new entry for you on the internet - your name hasn't been in the paper. When I saw you at that stop sign....you looked directly at me...quizzically as if I looked familar but you couldn't quite place me.
What has happened my love......just tell me....let me have closure. Give me permission to move on.
Tags: Loss,closure
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why one always loves one more than the other in love & sex : the dating diaries
Posted by heart in my hands on August 19, 2008 1:15 amin my eyes you are perfect... there has never been anyone that has caught my attention as quick as you! but do you feel the same? since the night i first put my eyes on you.. i knew it had to be something. and then you came up to talk to me and i had butterflies in my stomach... i wanted to bite your lips and be in your arms for ever.. i hate feeling like this though.. do you feel the same? you call me every day and we talk for hours but what does that mean? i took you on a trip with me and i had the best time... we slept on the same bed but nothing happened.. dont get me wrong im not a slut and i didnt expect sex but you didnt even hug me.. you played with my hair and i played with yours but what does it all mean? you confuse me... you tell me you arent looking for something but you flirt back.. grrrrr i hate this feeling of desperateness.. i want to be with you but i hate this anxious feeling of waiting.. should i just stop with the feelings and let things happen? i cant stop thinking about you! i wish i could spend the rest of my life with you!
Tags: relationships,love,waiting,desperation
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I can't be in love with him. in heart & soul : the denial diaries
Posted by nurse_lady on August 15, 2008 5:51 pmi can't be in love with a man who talks down to me like I'm a little 10 year old. I can't be in love with a man who hides me away from his family like I don't exist. I don't need a man who always needs my full attention and time and cannot share me with my family and best friends. i don't need that! But why can't I get the thought of you out of my fucking head? I force myself to not love you, not to answer your calls, not to fall for your text message. Why do I still care for you? It's crazy how humans act when the heart becomes involved and emotions are revealed. Our mind is telling us one thing, but we do the other because of our feelings. Do I really love you aside from all those factors that I don't agree with? How could you even still love me, and tell me constantly that you love me, even when you see... that i'm happy with another man? I think my feelings only exist because you are still there... available for me. Please help me, and let me be to live my life.
Tags: Denial,love
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Don't know where else to put this... in friends & family : the domestic diaries
Posted by Lafiette on August 2, 2008 3:21 pmI Miss You...I disappointed you and embarrassed you and proved yet again that i am a fuck up...nobody understands how painful it is...i was so stupid to think that life would be better without you to rule over me like i was your kingdom...i was wrong and in my teenage years thought i knew everything and thought i knew how to take care of myself...i was wrong and i apologize for the pain i put you through
But Mom I Want To Come Home
Tags: Home
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I miss my son in mind & body : the depression diaries
Posted by fadingsylver on July 17, 2008 9:07 amFive years ago, I had given birth to a perfect baby boy. Being young, frightened, afraid of being like my sister, afraid of the baby's father, afraid of so very much especially not being a good enough person to raise a perfect little boy... I gave him up for adoption to a family that I picked out. They were unable to have kids and had already adopted one who was a happy little guy, and rather well behaved.
His birthday was the beginning of July, and I have been in tears on and off since... it is always hard this time of year for some reason. I know what I did was right, and good for him and them... but it never stops me from wishing I could be there for him. Every year at this time I just have one simple hope... that he understands and doesn't hate me.
Tags: son,adoption,tears
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Lost in the lust. in love & sex : the desire diaries
Posted by getmoneyfckbitches on July 8, 2008 5:38 pmI am in love with my bestfriend. We have had relations for around two years now. To him we have a relationship and we are more than just the sex, but everytime I see him I only have one thing on my mind. I feel a little bit guilty in the situation that I am in, but my desire takes over my mind and body. I am very dominant as well. I find it much more pleasing to be the one on top. Just because I know that I get what I want when I am in control. I feel a little bad about it when he thinks it's love and romance, but to me it's just hard, rough sex.
can you please tell me what i should do in my situation.?
should i tell him. or keep this dirty little secret.?
Tags: love & sex
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I feel so alone in friends & family : the domestic diaries
Posted by thalia17 on July 6, 2008 11:29 amI haven't been leaving the house yesterday was Saturday and I just stayed in the house. I have completely withdrawn as a I think about my child out there in the world. She has chosen to leave her father's house and go live with my ex spouse nephew and sister. I feel so betrayed and the worst part is that she has them thinking that she has no family and no one cares. Not once has she called me to say anything to me. I feel so used after all I did to try and help this kid but she continued to hurt herself. Now, she has chosen to live her life withdrawn from her family. I feel so hurt because she could have done so much more with her life. This has greatly impacted my mood and behavior. I'm completely withdrawn and unhappy so I'm depressed but I want to get better. I want to become strong enough to not have forgiveness like I have always done. They all know that I never say no about anything and because of that I have struggled over the years. Why am I sad when I have a vacation set in 11 days to go to Florida and enjoy myself and yet I sit here in the house unable to smile, unable to get out of the house, unable to drive anywhere. I want to stop letting other people hurt me, I want to become strong and not care about everyone else anymore. My daughters don't call to even say hello to me, my phone never rings, I have no friends, I have no interaction with people so I feel so secluded. I want to improve my life and pull out of this but I have decreased my exercises and I can't even get up to 10,000 steps a day. I want to help myself, I want to get better. I want to stop hurting.
Tags: alone,strong,struggle,help
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I feel like Alice in mind & body : the drug diaries
Posted by S_Romance on July 5, 2008 10:03 pm Sometimes, I feel like Alice, you know the one that chases the white rabbit..?
The truth is, Im an eighteen year old drug addict. My family doesnt know, and my "friends" do not understand to what length. I picked up my first drug at the age of eight, and havent really stopped. I grew up in an abusive home, and had many psychological problems.
I'm now eighteen, and with almost no money to my name, I have been given an opportunity.. leave all behind and move with two friends of mine[who are both 36 years old] to Missouri and start over. Our life theme being *DRUGS,SEX and, Rock 'n' ROLL*
I find myself so far in, I have no idea what to do. I lie to my fiance who thinks that Im clean, but in reality Im always high. I am an artist and musician, who is failing my dream. I never work anymore, my dream of going to art school is coming to an end. I know if I go up there I will never do anything. My life is so far down. I can not making through out the day with out drugs in my system, my favorites, are cocaine, crack, Acid and pot[ I don't smoke too much of that anymore]. The one Chemical Addiction I did get over was alcohol[ at one point I drank so much, I ate a pack of cigerettes.] I've gone to school stoned, and nothing was said, no one cares, and after a while, I became sloppy about it, I didnt care who know what I was doing, I have become one of the biggest drug connections in my area. The strange thing, no one for some reason suspected me.
The man who as become one of my best buds, is thirty six years old. He does crack, blow, acid, meth. pot heroin and pills. He's done just about every drug except for dog tranquillizer. I've been hanging out with catman for a while now. He's great and caring, kind of like a father or a big brother. I know most people think 'what kind of man, gives a kid crack' well you don't understand see, its a higherarchy. whereas your dad might go throw the old pig skin with you, us teenagers among the druggies, have or drug family. We take care of each other.. Most people would like to think that we're all stupi burn outs, but truthfully, we're not as dumb as we appear. You Maybe book smart. But we're street smart, and some of us are both, we live each day with out feets in hell staring up and the bright light wondering what to do. and thats the delema run away and take the opportunity- because you only live once, or give in. Stick to partial norms. BLEND.
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How could I be jealous? in love & sex : the desire diaries
Posted by fadingsylver on June 24, 2008 11:16 amI have never in my life been jealous of anyone, not a man, woman or child... and now I find that I am overwhelmingly jealous of a woman I have never met. A man that I love and would give anything for is in love with another woman, and I can't help it. I wanted to write it down, let it out, but not let him know because I don't want to cause any problems.
I won't rain on his parade, especially since he hasn't even gotten up the courage to do anything about it, but it hurts and I don't know how to deal with it. I am just his friend. Too young to be his love because of his hang ups, afraid I will trade him in for a newer model or that his kid will think he traded her mother in for a newer model. I want to cry so much. I want to weep and throw things and know that this time my heart is breaking. I guess if I love him so much all I can really do is be there as a friend. If we can't be happy together, maybe he can be happy with someone else.
But why does doing the right thing hurt so bloody much?
Tags: jealous,broken heart,hurt
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Love oh Love in love & sex : the desire diaries
Posted by lost and confused on June 10, 2008 11:05 pmLove is this warm spontanous feeling you get when you see, touch or even think of that person. And no matter how long you have been together the feeling remain there and grows stronger. you wanna make that person happy all the time and when they are not you wish you could do anything to just see them smile. Every morning is a treat to wake up in there arms and if its just the pitter patter of there foot steps and the leave to work and slip one on your cheek that all you think of. as you count the minutes for him to return home. where you can once more just be in his arms every task done for him is a treat. Cooking dinner, washing cleaning and folding clothes. Especially when you have kids. when you see him play with our child and as you son giggles at his daddy. just makes you fall in love with him all over again.
Tags: love is
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